I Held a Knife to My Husband’s Throat—And Still Thought I Was the Problem

📢 HE DIDN’T LOSE CONTROL. HE USED CONTROL.

The Hidden Wounds of a Loud Relationship
TW: Domestic violence, choking, emotional terrorism, religious manipulation, animal cruelty, marital rape, suicidal coercion

✨ Content is free—but crows like snacks.

This is what happens when religion is used like a rope.
When your nervous system becomes the battlefield.
When abuse gets baptized in excuses—and your silence becomes scripture.

This is about Eli.
Not his real name. But very real damage.

He didn’t lose control.
He engineered it.
He ran a full campaign of terror with a soft smile and a verse in his mouth.

🛋️ THE SETUP: “BUT HE’S NOT LIKE REED…”

Before Reed, there was Eli.

Reed was polite. Detached. Emotionally absent.

But Eli?
He was loud. Passionate. “God-fearing.”
The kind of man people believe is abusive.

So when Eli screamed, I called it honesty.
When he threatened, I called it hurt.
When he demanded my body, I called it marriage.

But what it really was?
It was domination, dressed as doctrine.

🚨 BASEBALL BAT. CLOSET. FAKE SUICIDE.

I came home from a 12-hour military shift.
Hungry. Exhausted. Quiet.

Eli was watching porn.
I spoke. He roared.

He punched a wall, broke my things, then charged me with a baseball bat.
I grabbed a kitchen knife.
Held it to his throat.
Said:

“Stop.” I said. (shaking)

He dropped the bat. I put the knife down.
But it didn’t stop. He followed me when I walked away.

He said he killed my cat. (Later I found out she was alive- but he had given her to his cousin. I never did see her again.)

He said if I left, he’d kill me and put me in a trunk.
Then choked me in the closet.

And when violence didn’t keep me?
He faked a suicide in front of me.
On his knees, throat full of pills—begging, weeping.

And I—
I saved him.
I gagged him until the pills came up.

💔 HE NEVER HIT MY FACE. BUT HE HIT EVERYTHING ELSE.

Let’s be clear:

He threw me against walls.
Slammed me to the floor.
Choked me with both hands.
Cornered me in closets and loomed like a warden.

No black eye.
Just a nervous system rewired to obey.

🧠 WHAT THIS DID TO MY BODY

– Conditioned me to respond to threats with silence
– Taught me that rage was religion if it came from a man
– Made me think that rescuing him = being loyal
– Turned my body into a bargaining chip
– Rewired my fight-or-flight until I froze… and then blamed myself for not leaving faster

🕯️ LUNDY TALK #2: THE CLOSET & BANDIT

“He didn’t hurt the dog by accident. He hurt the dog because he could.”

After the kitchen. After the choking. After the fake suicide.

I came home again.

Eli ignored me.
But Bandit—his husky—didn’t come greet me.

I followed the whimper.

Found him tied up in a closet, standing on his tippy toes.
Just high enough not to die.
Not low enough to rest.

Tear-streaked. Soaked in urine.

I didn’t scream.
I untied him.
I held him. I cried with him.

This was the wakeup call. I’d seen him punch the dog square in the face, countless times, and now this.
I made a new decision:

“If I stay with him and have a child, that leash becomes a crib.”

⛓️ RELIGIOUS ROPE & MORAL BLACKMAIL

Eli refused to divorce me.

After choking me.
After faking suicide.
After cheating on me with both men and women.
After accusing me of being the cheater.

Why?

Because “God hates divorce.”

This wasn’t repentance.
This was image control.
A pulpit turned into a prison cell.

He used religion like a leash—and purity culture like a muzzle.

🔍 WHAT LUNDY WOULD NAME IT:

Weaponized Guilt
– Suicide threats as emotional chokeholds
– Scripture used as exit-control

Sexual Coercion
– Rape by obligation
– Expected sex after violence or silence
– Zero consent. Just compliance.

Mirror-Flipping (Gaslight Projection)
– Accused me of cheating
– While he was sexting, watching porn, and sending videos of himself to both men and women
– Made me question my own worth, while he hid whole versions of himself

Image Management
– Performed the role of “faithful husband”
– All while I carried the trauma, the silence, and the truth

Moral Manipulation
– Refused to let me leave unless I wanted “to go to hell”
– Used God to shame, not guide

🩸 WHAT THE SCIENCE SAYS

Psychological abuse activates the same parts of the brain as physical assault.

Chronic exposure to gaslighting, sexual coercion, and spiritual manipulation causes:

– Nervous system dysregulation
– Fawn responses (rescuing your abuser)
– Somatic flashbacks during touch, prayer, speech
– Identity fragmentation + complex PTSD

According to Dr. Judith Herman, this is coercive control—a form of psychological captivity.

You weren’t in a marriage.
You were in a hostage dynamic wearing a wedding ring.

🧬 WHAT MY BODY LEARNED FROM HIM

– That sex could be demanded, not desired
– That God meant fear
– That loyalty meant endurance
– That rage was louder than no
– That forgiveness meant forgetting
– That “good woman” meant “don’t leave”

But I did leave.

Even after guilt.
Even after shame.
Even after saving the man who promised to bury me.

💌 STATEMENT OF TRUTH

He didn’t lose control.
He controlled everything he touched.

He didn’t just scare me.
He taught my body that fear was home.

And when I grabbed the knife?
It wasn’t a threat.
It was a declaration of existence:

“I will not disappear.”

🕯️ RITUAL: THE CLOSET DOOR OFFERING

– Write Bandit’s name
– Place it in a box or behind a door
– Lay a feather beside it
– Say:

“You weren’t bad. You were scared. And I see you now.”

– Leave the door slightly open.
Let that be the new symbol:
No more secrets.
No more cages.

🫀 FOR THE READER WHO’S BEEN THERE

If you:

– Rescued a man after he hurt you
– Were told “God hates divorce” while choking on fear
– Were accused of cheating while being cheated on
– Stayed because leaving felt more dangerous than dying
– Begged your body to stop reacting
– Were called unstable when you finally cracked

This isn’t shame.
This is evidence.

You didn’t break.
You were breaking free.

🪶 FINAL BLESSING FROM LOUI CROW

May the god you call on now be your own voice.
May the leash break.
May your hands no longer tremble to be holy.
May your nervous system learn a new gospel:

“Safety is sacred.
And I never needed permission to leave.”

You’re not surviving.

You’re preaching resurrection.

🖤